About Me

快乐与痛苦是连体婴，背对背，谁也少不了谁，是名副其实的‘痛快’i love this quote. no idea.. im weird i guess (: but who's normal anyway.. we all are living in a quirky world anyway ((:

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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

freakin out

Im Freaking out! OMG...
Estelle Kissed my Cheek yesterday during bio prac! and,
Tried to BITE me on my neck... Eeww..

i know she was the type thats you know, can be overly friendly especially if you just get to know her.. and im getting used to her occasional out of the blue hugs or leaning on me or even sleeping on mylap during chinese lesson..

but to actually kissed my cheek and tried to bite.. god.. can i complain of assault? just kidding. but still.. unnerving.. oh man...

Monday, February 26, 2007

My saviour, redeemer
lifted me from the miry clay
Almighty, Forever
i'll never be the same again

Cause you came here
from the Everlasting
to the world we lived
the Father's only Son

*Cause you lived, you died
You rose again on high
You open the way
For the world to live again

Halleluya, For all You've done
*

i love this song.. lifted up my moods oh well..
my laptop.. i'd been wanting one.. but now seems useless.. no wireless, no MS office.
borrowed from Ian, but the CD key doesnt work. oh well..
maybe ask from Ting? shouldnt have trouble other people.
whatever, maybe shall just buy the cd myself. saved others the trouble.

hate being a burden. hate the feeling of being pushed away, or not needed..
which i always feel especially when i go to work.
like im new so im going to be a burden to the team.
or even to my friends. i dont know, they just seemed sullen when working.
dont really dare to ask them or talk to them.

whatever. not working le. as for now, i dont know.. i cant join VIP. the registration day is over.
damn.

*Cause you lived, you died
You rose again on high
You open the way
For the world to live again

Halleluya, For all You've done
'cause Halleluya, Gor all You've done...

im fickle minded and i admit it.

oh well, i made another decision. it was a stupid one. but it made me breathe easier. i guess just not suited. anyway, i went to school today, although there was swimming pe. of course, due to the rain today, it was cancelled. so our class had a get to know session with our pe teacher. guess what's his name.. Eugene Chua. haha. he was an old rj student.. smart eh.. though from what he told us, he grad at the bottom percentage of his batch haha.

anyway, he started by telling us about the mass pe, what they aim to do, and how lousy our batch is.. whatever. then he started asking us our cca.. asked who was active in uniform group. well i thought he meant in sec school.. so i short of raise my hand.. but he was right in front of me so he could see that bery clearly. then we all just start talking about cca.

then, he started asking whether we'll be staying in AC too.. then im the only one raising my hand.. again.. oh well.. he asked what schools i choose then, so i told him my dilemna, then he was so shocked. said hci is a place for those chinapok people whatever that means.. then asked whether my chinese is good enough? whether i can rap the jay's songs.. etc.. it was basically talking crap. the rain was reduced to drizzling by then, but he dont feel like teaching too.. so we continued talking.

he told us that RJ is sort of not very close knitted etc due to the high student population.. but yea, im only complying to my family's wishes.. then he said what he got a friend in NJ a PE teacher too who look like Frankenstein.. haha.. i dont know whether it was true, i think i only remember vaguely. so it was sad, i cant appeal to AC if i got posted to any school i dont like. they only accept those who puts AC as first choice.. too bad..

abd, i heard the cut off point wasnt what was written on the booklet too. oh well.. he was quite nice actually, though he certainly seems like a gangster.. but he didnt scold me for skipping 4 times swimming pe for crashing other schools.. haha.. next week, is going to be our last swiming pe.. im going to go. haha.. i shall be guai kia^^

and yea, qi never came today, she was sick>< takkaire shuqi.. dont be sick for too long.. oh yea, happy belated birthday eileen(yesterday) and happy birthday Jurane^^ which is today^^ Luv ya=) hope you had fun today=)

then, yeap.. im tired.. ive come to a decision which i hope i wont regret.. i know im not regretting at this point of time.. i hope.. i guess.. gotta appeal to RJ soon.. damn. maybe joining VIP too.. just because i have no idea what cca to join damn.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

work

hmm.. i went to work yesterday.. reached at around 3.30pm.. too early.. i'd already put my make up on at home, i thought shuqi was putting at home, and dont want to make her wait for me. anyway, we were ready by 4.. finally i get to wear the new uniform^^ and we were working at Island. no longer Towere ballroom..

yesterday was also the ren ri.. that is, the birthday of everyone.. and the couples were having a ten course dinner.. first, lou hei.. yu sheng.. i'd never do it before.. i mean, when we prepare, we basically throw everything in together. who cares about the steps.. well there are steps and words to be said.. idioms of course.. in all, the guests were okay.. i guess.. half half.. one side they were okay.. the other side, they're guests i hope i would not get to serve next time. haha.. okay lahz, they werent that bad.

anyway, cocktail was fine.. im sooo proud of myself for not breaking or spilling any drinks yesterday^^ but, i manage to slip and fall in kitchen-.- i hate the slippery floor.. i nearly fall alot of times but always ,manage to catch myself before i really fall.. but this time..=.= and, after the whole thing ended, i manage do my own version of 'hotel of flying shoe'.. my feet hurts.. so i was kicking my shoe and i forgot it was loose.. so it just flew off=.=

oh yea, i saw the supervisors 'tou chi'! unfair! i think the tower ballroom was having chilled mango pudding as desserts.. when we went to the office to take our transport coupon, i saw the supervisor coming out with BIG plate of it.. haha.. then he also ate sort of cake, maybe that one he bought it.. i dont know.. i want eat the mango pudding>< seems delicious.. haha^^

oh well.. i got lucky yesterday.. we were released quite late.. then there was a gal there who lived in khatib.. the rest of people were long gone.. and there was only one taxi left so i guess if she wasnt there, actually if i wasnt there she also cant leave... so the uncle said we're lucky there's each other.. or else have to wait til 1.45am before there's any more taxi.. qi wasnt so lucky>< she had to wait.. hope she reached home safely..

so yea, me and the other gal was chatting.. the uncle joined in too^^ haha.. he was giving me advice on choosing school... why is everyone so interested in it? oh well.. by the way, thanks th for the advice too. haha.. you really should consider a job as counsellor too... haha..

hmm.. being busy, working really took my mind off stuff.. like only afterwards i was like 'oh no.. bio essay, math chem tutorial..' im a nerd.. remember.. hahahaha, anyway, doesnt matter.. shall try do today.. im house bound today^^lalala... unless there's more important thing cropping up.. like mj.. haha.. jk.. anyway, hope today will be a nice day. haha.

Friday, February 23, 2007

i was writing a letter to huay yesterday using a white pen against a black paper.. when i thought of these words, i think i must heard of it somewhere or what:
'the purity of white is the most obvious in the darkest of the black[night]'

well.. i guess this can be applied to any area in life? i mean only when we are facing trouble or problem, only then you'll realised your true strength. only then, you'll know your limit.

i wonder what's my limit. i always find myself sort of competitive in a way.. if i know i can do it, i would try my best.. but when it was forced upon me, i know i would most probably will not give it my best. unwillingness, pouting etc.

im back at square one you see.. at the crossroads.. where to go? family wanted me to go to the best, saying they know i could handle it, the pressure, the homework, the expectation. did they ask how i feel? i wanted to go to that school. but no they say, with your results, you can do so much better. this is my life. let me do what i want with it. i know im not destroying my own life. im not that stupid.

i guess im a coward in a way.. im an average girl, average student, average daughter, average sister. i dont ask for more, just let me make my own decision. let me learn from my mistakes. you cant possibly protect me al my life. but still, i dont dare to rebuff them. i walk along the path they'd cleared for me. and follow their wish. im such a failure.

studying is my only forte. the only world im sure i will at least do okay in. haii.. im a nerd okay. haha.. guai kia^^ anyway, there's work today.. suddenly feel lazy going to work. haii.. i dont want to do cocktail.. what if i drop the tray again? man........... im working just for the money this time.. how pathetic. whatever.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

chu san

yesterday was the chu san of the lunar new year.. i woke up quite early and still manage to sneak a few more min of sleep.. then, i really have to wake and prepare all the normal morning rituals.. bathing, choosing of clothes etc.. met with the gals at jp at supposedly 945.. i thought i was early.. well i reached at 946.. that's not bad for me.. but ting was there..

huay was late.. anyway, we ate mac breakfast then we talk and walk around.. then went to toilet for qi to change into the shirt we bought together.. then, we had to go our separate ways.. for the moment anyway.. i went to city hall to meet with desmond they all while tha gals went to meet qing tian guys..

anyway, i thought i was early.. hey i was only late for like what.. 3-5 min? haha.. record for me.. less then 10 min late.. for second time of day.. but des was there.. -,- so we waited for the rest to come.. rani couldnt make it.. a pity.. then next to arrive was clara.. then ber and ju.. while ju and i went to toilet, aisyah called to say she and liying already waiting outside haagen daz..

so we rushed.. and, anyway to cut it short, we ate fondue.. sugar rush.. i love choc^^ thanks des for the treat^^ haha.. you're the best couch potato. haha. well fun's over. and what the heck, life sucks.

the rest of the day just seems to fade.. i mean i know after that me dinu and aisyah had to leave. i met the rest of guys at ian's house from where we proceed on to jeff, qi, jj and huay's house. ya.. but the activities just seems trivial. ya i guess we had fun.. all the mj, blackjack etc.. but, hell does it matter?

i know you probably would be reading this.. but just let me vent or rant or whatever kay.. i received an sms this morning.. i just so totally agree with it.life just wont go the way we want it to be does it.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Valentine day photo

funny

that day, i think was friday. me, huay and ting went to bugis to try buy some new year clothes.
something very very funny occured which makes us laugh like we were crazy or something. after shopping, we were going into toilet. before entering i was pretty sure we went to correct toilet. but as they two were in front of me, i was wondering why they suddenly back up to check whether we went into the correct toilet.

so, when i enter, i was quite shock. there were 3 'guys' inside the toilet. but yea, i noticed they were wearing sports bra.. and i was commenting to huay that i now understand why they were checking the signs of the toilet. we were surpressing our laughter i guess.. at least i did..

then, another group of 3 gals went in.. one of them was hui shan. they were so comical as they did exactly the same thing as us, came in, saw them, immediately retreat, check sign and enter again.. by then i really burst out laughing okay, my bad. i mean i did immediately try to surpress my laughter.. then, that 3 'guys' finally went out. i guess they were embarrassed.

then all of us start discussing. they thought those people were our friends.. and we brought them in.. it was so funny!

we did manage find the shirt we wanted.. then yesterday i found the skirt i wanted.. it was a sweet plaited skirt.. at least thats what i thought, so yea, new year shopping is done for the year. yay..

Thursday, February 15, 2007

erm

i realised something.. i've been blogging twice n same day for a few times already..
i guess i have alot of things to say?
hmmm.. what to say, there's been alot of stuff happening these few days..
i guess i've regain my composure..

bk gab sam tiak leng came yesterday.. there was V day concert.. it was sort of nice..
i brought them around school.. im a good tour guide^^ hee..
anyway, yesterday was a 'season of love'..
but somehow, i would rather spent the day with my friends..
it wasnt suppose to be an excuse.. but somehow, it does sounds flimsy reason.

i find 'ta turning more and more like ta'?
and i guess it's turning me off..
and the other, the gals say 'mei yong'
i guess each and everyone of us had our own set of prob?

i guess im not making any sense here.
doesnt matter. i think only the gals will understand.
that's good.

oh yea, my best V day present---- my laptop! yay!
thanks mom! hee.. though it doesnt have any microsoft stuff..
and there's no wireless for me to go online..
but, i'll find a way. i always do..

hmm.. V day reminds me of what Eileen said before.
i find it quite true. listen:
you'll know when a woman really loves a guy when the guy was poor
and, you'll know when a guy really loves the gal, when he saw another gal.

yeap.. guess both eileen and ting sort of match here.
haha. eileen dont believe she'll ever find love.
me.. i dont know.
you'll have to prove it to me.
happy endings dont really occur in real life.

valentine's day

hmm.. lets recall what had occured. on tue, i was going to go back to css. only because of james making me wait and did not turn up..
anyway, i cant make it in time. so, luckily ting called to ask me go to huay's house to make cookies..^^ i arrived at around 6 plus maybe.. then we went to jp to buy all the ingredients.
along the way, we saw many and i mean many.. people carrying plastic bags on their hands which are obviously val day presents^^

anyway, we met shuqi as me ting and huay were about to walk to the bus interchange. and thus we went to huay's house together. we started making the cookies.. it was fun okay.. ahah.. we divide the job among ourselves. i mostly did the mixing of the dough, ting sieving the flour, qi also mixing and later on, decorate the cookies, cause we did terrible job on it.. then huay bake the cookies^^ haha.. ting had to went home at around 9 though and me, 10. qi stayed til around 12 plus? by that time all cookies were baked.. phew..

anyway we made more then the original intended 40.. so each of the guys plus yining get 5 cookies each^^ and we still had many extras for th, bk and gabby^^ haha.. and of course some for charmaine and hui yee^^ they too made some cakes.. delicious... haha.. james gave each of us a rose.. and yea, eugene too.. ahha thankiew yea?=)

anyway, we did a 'door to door' service to ian they all.. haha.. really hope they'll like the cookies too.. haha.. i think we should start finding excuses just to make them haha.. but, yea, as qi said, we could sell them! lol!

erm.. anyway, after we pass the cookies to them, we went walk around jp.. finding our new year clothes.. but they had no more white sweater of smaller sizes.. left one L size.. that's too big i think.. so yea, we went around, didnt manage to find any and decided to eat. me and huay. ting ate my chicken rice's skin and the soup.. i dont really like the skin.. hee..

so, yea, anyway, i wasnt allowed to pon school today. that's too bad.. but, tomorrow is des birthday! happy birthday in advance! hee.. too bad we cant celebrate it tomorrow though.. but then i can use tomorrow to buy clothes hee.. and we're going back to css! yea.. haha.. so, yea i guess see you all tomorrow then^^

and about my decision, yesterday spent about 20 min talking to my mom, and mayb 10 min plus to my uncle. both of them tried to convince me to go rj, anyway, we'll see.. that's the bad thing about brother and sister being on good term i guess.. haha bad for me.. both of them conspire.. but, it was for my own good.. i'll understand..

Monday, February 12, 2007

my decision

i've made my decision, the step i want to take
to take me nearer to my choice.
i've done it based on what i see
in my heart; and not what others said.

i remembered a line from a poem which goes something like
'to leave the world unseen' and ' drought with vintage'
actually it wasnt about suicide or anything.
i like it, it just describe me somehow.

to drought with vintage and to leave the reality
into the realm where im in control.
i guess thats describe all the times i went to day dream.
though without the vintage.

do i sound like a mum? i hope not.
went to njc today with belinda. attached ourselves to eugene.
didnt realised that boshen and xiang ling same class as him.
anyway, i kind of like it. maybe i'll go there.

i feel as though im growing up. probably am.
i realised how lucky i am.
i may feel like a crap, or in confusion, or being blurz queen,
but there's always friends by my side, helping me.

it made me wonder, did i appreciate them enough?
or did i, all these while, take them for granted.
maybe at some point of time, i was.
should learn to appreciate more of others.

yea, thats what i should do.
i am going back to css tomorrow if i can.
i hope i can. maybe just the sense of familiarity will give
me some sense of security.

or will it, instead reminds me
of how different, outsiders now to them?
i have no idea.
i sounds so pessimistic these days.

i should try to be more optimistic.
my english sucks. im getting more random.
but at least im no longer depressed.
i guess...

Saturday, February 10, 2007

thanks

anyway, thanks people for being my friends.
your concern for me is really warming me.
maybe not many will understand,
but its okay, i dont really understand myself too.

im going through a routine everyone will go through one day;
im going to find myself one day.
telling myself this is only a trial He'd given to me.
and He would never give anything beyond my abilities.

im starting to put off the mask,
and preparing to look through the mirror;
to see myself as i am.
the real me; hidden all this while.

thank you for everything,
you may think it was nothing, but
it makes an impact in my life.
shaping me to what i am.

and i hope no matter what,
look for me if you have any trouble.
i may not be able to help, but
i'll lend you a listening ear and wouldnt judge you.

i'll try.

Friday, February 09, 2007

*sigh*

finally, someone who understands how i feels..
thanks ber. as usual, i asked and told them, i feel lost.
they dont understand. why should you? they asked.
you scored well, your hardwork paying off..

but what's it is but a piece of paper.
grading A, B, C or D..
you wont understand. not many do.
how lost i feel as i came to the end of tunnel;
to find myself falling into another hole.

maybe im depressed. maybe im just but lost at the moment.
i feel like locking myself in a room.
sorting my thoughts, or just for the moment,
enjoy the peace and serenity.

why am i blogging this way...
i guess all the literature classes are starting to affect me.
i dont know. dont wish to know.
just leave me alone.. at least for now.

dont make me make any more choices
that i would regret someday.
i hated those feelings;
knowing it was my own fault things turn out this way.

the guilt, the anger and the helplessness..
i guess im really depressed.
slight.
im losing all my bearings..
whatever.
the end.
now.

...

im still in a depressed mood.. basically about anything and everything.
here i am, about to take the next step in life; and there i was, hovering at the edge.
should i take the next step? should i plunge into the valley of unknown?
i have no idea.

will there be a safety net? or will i, keep on falling deeper and deeper..
i put on a false facade, of courage, of confidance.
but do i feel that way? i wish i have a definite answer.
but what's life without its secrets?

the safety of something familiar? and the danger of something new
which would i choose? friends or studies, the finger hover unknown.
the pressure is on, survival of the fittest.
would i remain standing, tall and proud; or crumble in despair.

throw the mask away. i wanted to be me.
but others expect much more... so much more.
will there be a shoulder i can lean on, a listening ear to borrow;
i guess not. you wont understand; the uncertainties i feel.

it's not a matter of how well i do;
it's a matter of does it worth it?
do you understand?
i guess not.

you may say im worrying too much,
or i should be happy and proud.
the smiling mask you'd always seen me in;
its cracking, and a tear has found its freedom- through the crack.

in the dark veiled night, the cool moonlight my only companion.
shielded from the harsh light, i mend my mask.
another empty smile; you so often see me in.
facing another day with the garment of courage and confidance.

hiding the emotions with the smile pasted on my face.
i forgot how i looks like.
im starting to lose myself,
to the uniformity of everything arounds me..
another step into the abyss.

random thoughts

although we got our results today, it was quite sad that not all in our class people went to get. desmond, ming ( where were you guys.. okay i understand ming) but, we are proud to show you our top indian student, Vevek! yay! ^^ haha..

anyway, they lied.. we didnt take photos of 2/3 haha.. oh yea, to faryn, david and tze kiat, i really appreciate the choc, thanks you guys. for the rest, well, i dont know whether im staying. but thanks for making the time in ac a memorable one^^ esp. to charmaine and hui yee.. haah.. its great knowing you people=) and eileen.. when we were just starting to get to know to the whole class too.. but, i really hope for the best for all of you =) all the best^^

results

emotions were relatively high today.
i felt a sense of detachment.
do i really want to know the score?
4 years of hard work, does it really boils down to only a piece of paper?
i dont know.

i tried asking the teachers;
they just smiled misteriously or
gave a non commital shrug.
i dont want to know.

i saw my friends, 4/1 erz, of all my 4 years
with whom i shared my craziest moments.
we hugged, we chatted, we catched up with each other's lifes
but the feeling of something lost wouldnt go away.

the results were out.
im happy for my friends and sad for us too.
im happy we get our rewards, im sad with the inevitable parting.
so lost as i saw their backs turned to me,
as they left the school one by one.

this may marked the end of our secondary school days;
but it also marks the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.
i pray that we will have the courage to move on;
and hold our friendship fast and strong.